The Power To Tell Your Own Story
About nine years ago during my first year as an administrator, I was asked by a white male teacher if white privilege really existed. Granted, I had only stopped in to see how things were going as I was doing brief walkthroughs in order to establish and develop relationships with teachers. I had only been at the school for three or four months and had few one on one interactions with him at that point. My initial internal thought was, he is asking me this because:
1. He really doesn’t know or doesn’t believe there is white privilege, so I need to prove otherwise.
2. He trusts that I will openly engage in this conversation and not sugar coat my answer.
3. This is a question that he can finally ask a person of color, and since I’m his supervisor, I will HAVE to keep my composure and if I don’t, he wins in pushing my buttons.
I landed on, he’s curious and wants a real honest answer. Can I be trusted to tell the truth? I decide to step into the conversation and respond with, “Whether I want to or not, I can never hide that I am a Black female when I walk into a room. Despite what I have to offer and what my core values are, I am automatically judged by many, simply because I have more melanin in my skin than you. You on the other hand will never face that as the dominant accepted culture. I have to listen intently to what you say in order to determine if you are a safe person for me to be around. When I enter a building, I am aware of how many exits there are in the room and where they are, how many other people of color are in the room with me and I never sit with my back to the door. Is that something you’ve ever had to think about?” He sat quietly with his gaze toward the ground and answered quietly, “No. Never.”
This brief interaction opened my eyes. I realized then that I never had to really think about race until I moved to where I currently live. Moving here was the first time I became a blatant, visible minority. Where I grew up and lived through my mid 20s, I was surrounded by diversity, different cultures and experiences.
Being vulnerable means being courageous at times. I shared this experience with my staff at a professional development session during the 2020-21 school year. I did not want to, but I felt it was necessary, considering that we were asking them to reflect on the role race played in their life and perspective. When we are able to tell our story, we create and paint our own narrative for others to gain understanding. There is so much power in being able to tell others your story as it leads to an understanding of who you are.
The power to tell my story at this point in my life comes from growing up in a household with parents that were walking contradictions due to their upbringings. It comes from witnessing what generational trauma and substance abuse can do to a family countered with another's strong southern Christian roots living in the same house. Navigating those two worlds was a challenge and still is at times but it has made me who I am today and I am grateful for that. There were times when my father was not around for various reasons, (in prison, treatment, working away from home, etc.). My mother was more of a constant and dependable, but struggled with confidence and self worth. I make a conscious effort to be honest and transparent whenever the opportunity presents itself and is appropriate and safe. If there is something I am unwilling to share with others, I don’t. I don’t try to paint a different picture or counter-narrative to look good in public or for others. I have worked on growing into the person I am today… being able to be my true authentic self in every aspect of my life. Do we have to adjust in some circumstances? Sure, but that doesn’t mean completely changing who you are, or assimilating in order to meet everyone else's expectations. For years, I used to do that, but now I don’t care to. Once you pretend to be something or someone you are not, you maintain a constant cycle of deception and I can only assume that is tiring and wears on one's self worth.
When you are open to having conversations that might feel uncomfortable or potentially expose some of who you are, the outcomes might be surprising. Unfortunately, we live in a world where secrets and “likes” are more powerful than truth. But in reality, our truth is more powerful than the “likes” people strive to receive. Why? Because it changes lives. My decision to engage with the teacher nine years ago has allowed us to have more conversations on a variety of subjects that at times can be seen as controversial but the level of respect we have for each other and the acknowledgment of our vastly different upbringings affords us the gift of conversation and ultimately developed into a trusted friendship.