Photo by Daria Nepriakhina đșđŠ on Unsplash
âYou do not do the things you do because others will necessarily join you in the doing of them, nor because they will ultimately prove successful. You do the things you do because the things you are doing are right." Desmond Tutu
A moral compass⊠that is what we should use to navigate the world. The question is what shapes that? Life experiences, trauma, education, relationships (good and bad), family values, spirituality, etc.Â
I have come a long way in life on the notion of doing things because theyâre âright.â It has been (and still is) a difficult journey. âRightâ has meant letting go of toxic relationships, ending friendships that Iâve outgrown, seeking things that are edifying versus comfortable. The clarity of whatâs ârightâ came around my fourth decade on this earth. I am not sure why, but I think the journey of figuring out who I was in my 30s allowed me to shed the things that were holding me back once I turned 40. It has been liberating. To be able to move through the world with my ethical morals intact makes me a better friend, sister, daughter, wife, mother, and educator to those that I interact with on a daily basis.Â
I have hope that this world and most of the people in it are far better than what we see portrayed on screens. My interactions with teachers and students allow me to continue to have that hope. Am I challenged? Yes, but if you stand on what Desmond Tutu says, the challenge is worth it. We face difficult tasks and decisions everyday. Should I eat that? I am tired but I need to work out. I was asked to do something I really donât want to do. How do I say no to this person when I am the only trusted person in their life? And so on. What lens are you using to work through these? Do you say yes to things and people that you know are not good for you (or to you) because it is easier? Does guilt weigh down on you to the point of succumbing? These are all tendencies that donât meet the definition of ârightâ, but typically are how one moves through life. I try hard not to be that person anymore. Doing whatâs right for YOU is liberating, which in turn shows others how to treat you and respond to you when itâs understood that you are putting boundaries in place needed to make you a better person. Â
When faced with a decision that is life changing, I have learned that the decision has to be what is right for me and my (immediate) family. The world wants you to believe that success is directly related to job titles, status, income and material things. I have learned that those things donât prove success. My success comes from having peace and being able to be present mentally, emotionally and physically for the ones that mean the most to me. Therefore, I have learned and embraced the power of saying NO. It is one of the hardest things to do because it is contradictory to what we are taught in life, and is not often modeled in a healthy way. Oftentimes ânoâ is tied to rejection. But what if you flip that and see ânoâ as a means to freedom and creating your path to peace?
There is power in saying no to people and potential opportunities that are not ârightâ for you. This is how I interpret Tutuâs âYou do the things you do because the things you are doing are right.â Timing, lifestyle, commitment and desire all matter when doing what is right for you. It also comes into play when doing for others. I was recently asked to consider a career change, and my answer was dismissed because it did not match what others expected it to be or match the plan they had for me. Mind you, I was being asked to consider a position that I didnât express interest in or apply for. I asked myself why my desires werenât a good enough answer. Why is it so difficult for others to hear ânoâ and then proceed to try and persuade you to change what is best for you in order to enact their plan for you?
Honor yourself. Honor others by showing up in spaces as your best self. Seek doing the right thing and embrace the power of no as a positive aspect of doing the right thing.Â